I Didn't Think Weaning Would Be So Hard...

Let me get something out in the open.  Weston is almost 15 months old, and we're still breastfeeding.  As he gets older, it gets more and more difficult to say that because I am very aware of how people I know (and society in general) think about breastfeeding past a year old, like it's some sort of freakish thing that crazy moms do.  Insert Time magazine cover here:

In fact, it's something that many moms do because they desire it and so do their toddlers.  The American Academy of Pediatrics is now on record as encouraging mothers to nurse at least one year and as long after as both mother and baby desire.  The World Health Organization recommends breast feeding for the first two years.


Despite all the claims that people make about it having no nutritional value past the first year, breast milk does indeed have lots of wonderful components (source: kellymom.com):
In the second year (12-23 months), 448 mL (almost 2 cups) of breastmilk provides:

• 29% of energy requirements
• 43% of protein requirements
• 36% of calcium requirements
• 75% of vitamin A requirements
• 76% of folate requirements
• 94% of vitamin B12 requirements
• 60% of vitamin C requirements

In addition, the health value is significant:
“Antibodies are abundant in human milk throughout lactation” (Nutrition During Lactation1991; p. 134). In fact, some of the immune factors in breastmilk increase in concentration during the second year and also during the weaning process. (Lawrence & Lawrence 2011, Goldman 1983, Goldman & Goldblum 1983, Institute of Medicine 1991).


As a first time mom, I don't understand the negativity with breast feeding past the first year.  Last year, I had co-workers (females with no children) say, "Why are you still breastfeeding?  I guess it's okay, but as long as you stop when he starts asking for it."


A newborn baby asks to be fed... right?  What's the difference if my toddler now can use something more than crying to ask for something he wants?  Oh, and thank you very much for your uninvited opinion on how to feed my child.


Anyway, I'm going back to work in a few weeks, and I've reluctantly started the weaning process.  I know that I don't want to pump anymore, so I thought that going to two feedings (morning and evening) would be manageable.  Manageable?  Sure.  But getting there?  Not so much...  Let me tell you, it's been rough.  Emotionally.  Like depressing and unexplained sadness.  In fact, it reminds me a lot of the baby blues.  Quick google search revealed that yes!  This is normal!


"One of the changes that occurs with weaning is a drop in prolactin levels. Prolactin, the hormone that stimulates milk production, also brings with it a feeling of well-being, calmness and relaxation."


Oh, how I am feeling that prolactin and oxytocin drop!  The only time of day when I consistently feel that All is Right with the World is when I am nursing.  Weston digs it, too.  Three days ago, I dropped the feeding before first nap.  He wasn't happy about it and let me know in the form of crying and pulling at my shirt.  I've stuck to it though, and he's adjusting.  I know when we drop the before-second-nap feeding, I'll more than likely go through another bout of sadness.  And so will he.


I knew this when I got pregnant: I wanted to breastfeed.  I was going to try and make it to a year, and that goal changed to "six months is good enough" when things got rough.  We made it to six months, and I thought, "Not so bad...A year isn't that far off."  As this past May approached, I decided that I had pumped for nine friggin' months, so I was going to enjoy a summer sans pumping and complete on-demand breastfeeding--just me and my little nursling.  And now, I have this very strong feeling that I will stop breastfeeding when he and I are both ready.  I read that as when we are both ready, he is ready, or I am ready. Not when others think I'm ready.

Retiring the Pump

I cannot believe that I made it through an entire school year (9 months...180 days or so) of pumping twice a day at work.  It's crazy, right?  I will not miss the freezer bags, washing the parts, "uhnnn...uhnnn...uhnnn," students knocking on my door and me yelling back, "I'm busy!" or better yet, administrators using their master keys to come in...

Nope.  I won't miss that.  Ever.

But I am so glad that Weston and I made it past a year of breast feeding.  That, plus I was able to go to work to have a roof over our heads, insurance, and food on the table.  A working, breast feeding mom needs the necessary--but evil--pump.

Many intimate moments, dear Medela, but you will not be missed!

Now that it's officially summer break, I'm free!  I do know that I'm not pumping when I go back to work in the fall (the World Health Organization recommends breast feeding at least until two years of age), so we'll most likely continue to nurse through the summer and then wean in August to just a morning and before bedtime feed.

Got Milk?

Smelling the Roses

First Valentine's Day

It takes a lot to be a parent--especially a working mom.  I'm finding that it takes deliberate actions on my part to just slow down and enjoy the whole process--from when he wakes up in the morning to the middle of the night feeding.

After nursing Weston, it's way too easy to come home from work, and immediately afterward entertain all the frantic thoughts in my head--"I need to take care of the breast pump stuff before the milk spoils." or "How in the world did a Cheerio get over here?  I need to vacuum." or "When's the last time I did laundry?" or "Yikes!  Did I pay the credit card bill?"  I have to consciously forget about all those things and just spend time on the floor reading Birthday Monsters forward and backward and having Weston climb all over me and pull my hair out and scratch my nose.  He's only 9 months old once, and the laundry can wait.  So can the floors.  And the dishes.  And the email.  But maybe not the bills...

After Winter Break Bummers

Yuck.  I had to go back to work last Monday after almost two weeks of 100% baby time.  It was absolutely wonderful to spend all day with Weston.  I was also very excited about not having to pump and looking forward to just breastfeeding.  Like I've said before, I am glad that I am able to continue to breastfeed Weston while I work, but pumping has certainly worn out its welcome.  It's a pain in the ass sometimes.

Anyway, as I packed my Medela Freestyle on Sunday night, I packed all four bottles thinking that after exclusively breastfeeding for 12 days, I would have copious amounts of milk to express during my first pumping session at work on Monday morning.  Since going back to work in August, I've usually been able to bring home about 10-12 ounces of expressed milk from two pumping sessions at work.  However, to my utter horror on Monday at 8:30 am, I sat looking at less than an ounce after pumping.  What??!?  What the hell had happened?  I quickly searched for other moms relating the same story on the Internet, but couldn't really find anything other than a few women talking on a forum about low milk production after taking vacation.  Fortunately, they said that their bodies regulated and once again got used to the pumping schedule.  I pumped again in the afternoon and then squeezed in one more pumping session about an hour later, but was only able to take home a bit less than 5 ounces.  Yikes!

Good news though...I've seen an increase this week, with each day yielding a little bit more, but I only brought home 7 ounces today.  Thank goodness for freezer stashes.

Happy Four Months!

I'd have official stats for you, but baby hasn't been for his four-month check up since we've moved.  Insurance at the new job doesn't kick in until next month, so we might have to visit the health department and get his second round of immunizations there.  Anyway, until I can get an official height and weight, Weston is 16 pounds, 14 ounces!  Holy crap.  It's still close to the 75% percentile curve that he's been following.  I have given up trying to measure his height because it's different every time.

Look at those thighs...

Weston's adjusting well to all the changes that have been going on.  Nate's done with a week of being a stay-at-home dad/ start-up business dude/ and unpacker of the apartment.  He generally looks exhausted and relieved at the same time when I get home from work.

I haven't worn my contacts in months

Baby has been sleeping pretty well at night, going to bed between 6:30 and 7:30 and sleeping for about 8 hours.  He's been getting up at 6am (and sometimes earlier!) and I have a pretty good feeling he doesn't really care what a weekend means to an adult.  That's fine. Having gone back to work, I relish every single moment I get to spend with him.  I love coming home from work and nursing him and then putting him down for a late afternoon snooze.  I even enjoy getting up at 3am to feed and cuddle with him.  He's super cute in the morning because he babbles and babbles and is super content.  I put him in his seat on the kitchen floor and he hangs out while I cook and eat my breakfast.

So close to sitting up all by himself 

Learning to pet Mabel gently and not grab at her fur

I'm not sure how I'm going to break his swaddle habit.  I feel like I should start on a Thursday night because it might be a little rough in the night sleeping department.  I think going cold turkey might be the best route, but who knows.  I bought the Miracle Blanket on a recommendation from another blogger mom (thanks, Melissa!) when Weston was almost 3 months old.  I cannot believe I waited that long to get one because they are the absolute best.  Weston was busting out of his swaddles regularly (and I am a damn good swaddler) at that point and I needed something that was akin to a straight jacket.  And the Miracle Blanket is just that--a warm and fuzzy baby straight jacket.  However, Weston is regularly busting out of that these days, so I think it's a good sign he's ready to be free.

Going Back to Work

I don't wanna.
I really don't wanna.
I am less than enthused about going back to work full time on Monday.  If teaching were truly a 40-hour work week, then it might be easier to swallow.  The reality of it is, though, is that teaching isn't just 40 hours a week.  It's coming in early, staying late and taking work home at night.  Yeah, yeah, we get about 2 and 1/2 months off in the summer, which could make up for it.  But I don't think it does.

Yes, I'm whining.

I'm hoping that if I whine enough, Nate will tell me, "It's okay, honey.  Don't go back to work full-time.  I'll figure it all out."

By the way, we'll really see how this blogging thing goes after working next week.  This could be the last post on the West Allis Baby Project...  I've thought of starting another blog, something along the lines of being a Midwesterner in the South...Corn Fed in the Blue Grass State.   I don't know.  I just hope that Weston doesn't end up with a twang or drawl when he starts talking.

Off to See Kentucky

We're hitting the road today--my mom, Weston and I.  It's going to be a crazy


We've arrived in Cincinnati, just north of Kentucky,


I've tried to post on the blog several times now, and I'm hoping that this time I'll actually get to finish!

As you can see, my mom, Weston and I have left Wisconsin, and are now staying in Cinci with Uncle JeffD, Nate's business partner.  I officially start work tomorrow, but we can't move into our apartment in Covington until August 31, so that's why we're here in Cinci.  Nate's back in Wisco and will be coming next week with the moving truck.

Happy in the car seat (a semi-rare occurrence)

This is the wackiest start to a school year yet.  My mom came with Weston and me because I have no childcare for him until Nate gets here.  She gets to be full-time grandma this week and next and watch him while I go back to work.  I'm very, very conflicted about going back to work.  This is a new job, new district, new age group, and new curriculum (and not to mention new accents).  Oh yeah, and I'm a new mom.  I keep wondering how in the hell this is all going to work out, especially the sleep thing.  He's been sleeping better at night, but with all the moving, driving, changing of time zones, and sleeping in unfamiliar places, Weston still isn't sleeping much longer than 5 hours straight at night.  He'll sleep for about 11 or 12 hours total, but that first stretch of sleep needs to get longer!!  I'm hoping that once we're in our apartment and in a quiet place, he'll be sleeping for 7 or 8 hours straight every night.

Note the car seat covered with a blanket in the bathtub
This is Weston's bedroom when we visit Uncle JeffD

Napping site when no one is in the apartment
(on top of Uncle JeffD's bed)

Weird.

I just remembered that I'm a mom.  I have a son.  And he's so friggin' cute.

Moving On...

I accepted a job in Covington, Kentucky yesterday afternoon as their ESL teacher in the middle and high school!  I'm a whole range of emotions--happy to be finally getting out of Wisconsin and on with the next phase of our lives.  Sad to know that I have to go back to work and leave my baby boy with a complete wacko--Nate.  Angry that I don't have the luxury of staying home full time with Weston.  Scared to start a completely new job with people that speak with a twang and refer to me as "ma'am."

But, with all the other adventures I've tackled in my life, I know I'll be able to get through it.  I have to say, though, that the challenge of being a mom is really overwhelming at times.  I think with all my other challenges (studying abroad in Spain, doing the bike trip last summer, traveling in India...to name a few) there was always a reasonable and manageable amount of time before it was over.  I've discovered with being a mom that there isn't an end in sight.  That's daunting.  On top of that, Weston is so unpredictable.  I never know how much he's going to sleep or if he's going to nurse really well.  Or what mood he'll be in when he wakes up.

I find myself doubting this motherhood gig quite frequently as of late.  I wonder why in the hell I got myself into this thing.  Why didn't I listen to other people say how hard this is and just have a child-free life?

Needless to say, I've been a little blue lately...  Perhaps it's just all the stuff that's going on besides having a baby.  My sister sent me this article to cheer me up a bit and to help me to keep remembering that I'm not the only mom who thinks that this is "too hard."  And when he's super cute like this, I cheer up instantly:

Grabbing the tootsies

So big!

By the way, I don't think this motherhood gig is not all it's cracked up to be everyday.  It's actually very infrequently that I think this.  I think it's been surfacing because in addition to all the craziness in my life as of late, Weston suddenly developed "baby ADD" these past few days while breastfeeding AND it seemed as though he forgot how to sleep more than 3 hours at night.  He would absolutely not nurse, or if he started to, he would pull off after a few seconds.  It was like all of a sudden he could see and hear every single thing that was going on around him.  This was incredibly frustrating (and painful!), and I didn't know what was wrong or what to do.  But, like any other breastfeeding problem we've come to, we've been able to push past it and figure out how to continue to make it work.

Staying at Home

Needless to say, these past nine months have been nothing short of stressful.  Being pregnant has this way of intensifying everything else that goes on in my life.  We ended the bike trip in Colorado early last August, and I was fully expecting to go back to my former job at the elementary school I taught at just a few weeks after finishing the trip.  Unfortunately, I was involuntarily transferred to a middle school for reasons I'll never fully know.  I cried for weeks about this, which probably should have been my first clue that I was pregnant.  Then in October, my dad passed away, leaving me with this indescribable loss in the midst of something so exciting in my life.  I think about him lots, and his picture is on our fridge, right next to the ultrasound pictures of our baby.

All the while, this year at work has been the most stressful thing I've experienced yet.  Being at a new school, teaching curricula that I haven't taught since my student teaching days, and dealing with the craziness of middle school students brought on feelings of complete inadequacy.  I ended my 7th hour class on an almost daily basis feeling utterly defeated, trying hard to fight back tears and compose myself before 8th hour began. I tried everything I could think of to make my 7th hour class tolerable, and I got nowhere.  Almost the entire staff knew about the yahoos that were in that class, and they would just shake their heads in sympathy.  Administration wasn't much help, either.  I continued to try so hard to rise above it, coming home and bawling to Nate about my frustrations.  To relieve the stress, I'd follow the guidelines that were suggested: exercising, eating well, getting enough sleep, etc.

Months of this, coupled with not sleeping at night, turned into a nasty cycle...  I routinely woke up at 2 or 3 in the morning to go to the bathroom, or for no reason at all.  And then the thinking would start...  What else can I do to make work better?  I couldn't turn the thinking off, despite trying to fall back asleep.  I'd be up for a couple of hours, occasionally falling asleep right before I had to wake up to go to work.

In early March, Nate had had enough: "Why can't your turn your brain off?"  Good question--I didn't know how to answer that.  He suggested that I talk to our midwife and let her know what was going on at work.  I really didn't want to; I suppose because that meant that I wasn't tough enough.  But what was I trying to prove?  That I could make it through to the end?  I know about opinions, and I didn't want people forming one about me and my "inability" to work.

But, at the urging of Nate and my mom, I told the midwife at my last appointment (I actually started bawling even before I could say anything), and she talked to me about the risk of preterm labor for women who are stressed during their pregnancy and not sleeping enough.  She put in orders for modified bed rest, which basically means that I'm supposed to take it easy and not work.  I was off all last week, and will be until the baby comes.  And guess what?  I slept through the night after my last day of work.  I've been feeling well-rested and less anxious about the birth.  I'm calmer, which is a wonderful feeling to have.  Sure, I've had to endure some people's comments and opinions about this: "You think this is not sleeping?  Just wait, honey."  Ultimately, it's the best decision for me and the baby, and I'm glad I did it.