I Didn't Think Weaning Would Be So Hard...

Let me get something out in the open.  Weston is almost 15 months old, and we're still breastfeeding.  As he gets older, it gets more and more difficult to say that because I am very aware of how people I know (and society in general) think about breastfeeding past a year old, like it's some sort of freakish thing that crazy moms do.  Insert Time magazine cover here:

In fact, it's something that many moms do because they desire it and so do their toddlers.  The American Academy of Pediatrics is now on record as encouraging mothers to nurse at least one year and as long after as both mother and baby desire.  The World Health Organization recommends breast feeding for the first two years.


Despite all the claims that people make about it having no nutritional value past the first year, breast milk does indeed have lots of wonderful components (source: kellymom.com):
In the second year (12-23 months), 448 mL (almost 2 cups) of breastmilk provides:

• 29% of energy requirements
• 43% of protein requirements
• 36% of calcium requirements
• 75% of vitamin A requirements
• 76% of folate requirements
• 94% of vitamin B12 requirements
• 60% of vitamin C requirements

In addition, the health value is significant:
“Antibodies are abundant in human milk throughout lactation” (Nutrition During Lactation1991; p. 134). In fact, some of the immune factors in breastmilk increase in concentration during the second year and also during the weaning process. (Lawrence & Lawrence 2011, Goldman 1983, Goldman & Goldblum 1983, Institute of Medicine 1991).


As a first time mom, I don't understand the negativity with breast feeding past the first year.  Last year, I had co-workers (females with no children) say, "Why are you still breastfeeding?  I guess it's okay, but as long as you stop when he starts asking for it."


A newborn baby asks to be fed... right?  What's the difference if my toddler now can use something more than crying to ask for something he wants?  Oh, and thank you very much for your uninvited opinion on how to feed my child.


Anyway, I'm going back to work in a few weeks, and I've reluctantly started the weaning process.  I know that I don't want to pump anymore, so I thought that going to two feedings (morning and evening) would be manageable.  Manageable?  Sure.  But getting there?  Not so much...  Let me tell you, it's been rough.  Emotionally.  Like depressing and unexplained sadness.  In fact, it reminds me a lot of the baby blues.  Quick google search revealed that yes!  This is normal!


"One of the changes that occurs with weaning is a drop in prolactin levels. Prolactin, the hormone that stimulates milk production, also brings with it a feeling of well-being, calmness and relaxation."


Oh, how I am feeling that prolactin and oxytocin drop!  The only time of day when I consistently feel that All is Right with the World is when I am nursing.  Weston digs it, too.  Three days ago, I dropped the feeding before first nap.  He wasn't happy about it and let me know in the form of crying and pulling at my shirt.  I've stuck to it though, and he's adjusting.  I know when we drop the before-second-nap feeding, I'll more than likely go through another bout of sadness.  And so will he.


I knew this when I got pregnant: I wanted to breastfeed.  I was going to try and make it to a year, and that goal changed to "six months is good enough" when things got rough.  We made it to six months, and I thought, "Not so bad...A year isn't that far off."  As this past May approached, I decided that I had pumped for nine friggin' months, so I was going to enjoy a summer sans pumping and complete on-demand breastfeeding--just me and my little nursling.  And now, I have this very strong feeling that I will stop breastfeeding when he and I are both ready.  I read that as when we are both ready, he is ready, or I am ready. Not when others think I'm ready.

Retiring the Pump

I cannot believe that I made it through an entire school year (9 months...180 days or so) of pumping twice a day at work.  It's crazy, right?  I will not miss the freezer bags, washing the parts, "uhnnn...uhnnn...uhnnn," students knocking on my door and me yelling back, "I'm busy!" or better yet, administrators using their master keys to come in...

Nope.  I won't miss that.  Ever.

But I am so glad that Weston and I made it past a year of breast feeding.  That, plus I was able to go to work to have a roof over our heads, insurance, and food on the table.  A working, breast feeding mom needs the necessary--but evil--pump.

Many intimate moments, dear Medela, but you will not be missed!

Now that it's officially summer break, I'm free!  I do know that I'm not pumping when I go back to work in the fall (the World Health Organization recommends breast feeding at least until two years of age), so we'll most likely continue to nurse through the summer and then wean in August to just a morning and before bedtime feed.

Got Milk?

Smelling the Roses

First Valentine's Day

It takes a lot to be a parent--especially a working mom.  I'm finding that it takes deliberate actions on my part to just slow down and enjoy the whole process--from when he wakes up in the morning to the middle of the night feeding.

After nursing Weston, it's way too easy to come home from work, and immediately afterward entertain all the frantic thoughts in my head--"I need to take care of the breast pump stuff before the milk spoils." or "How in the world did a Cheerio get over here?  I need to vacuum." or "When's the last time I did laundry?" or "Yikes!  Did I pay the credit card bill?"  I have to consciously forget about all those things and just spend time on the floor reading Birthday Monsters forward and backward and having Weston climb all over me and pull my hair out and scratch my nose.  He's only 9 months old once, and the laundry can wait.  So can the floors.  And the dishes.  And the email.  But maybe not the bills...

After Winter Break Bummers

Yuck.  I had to go back to work last Monday after almost two weeks of 100% baby time.  It was absolutely wonderful to spend all day with Weston.  I was also very excited about not having to pump and looking forward to just breastfeeding.  Like I've said before, I am glad that I am able to continue to breastfeed Weston while I work, but pumping has certainly worn out its welcome.  It's a pain in the ass sometimes.

Anyway, as I packed my Medela Freestyle on Sunday night, I packed all four bottles thinking that after exclusively breastfeeding for 12 days, I would have copious amounts of milk to express during my first pumping session at work on Monday morning.  Since going back to work in August, I've usually been able to bring home about 10-12 ounces of expressed milk from two pumping sessions at work.  However, to my utter horror on Monday at 8:30 am, I sat looking at less than an ounce after pumping.  What??!?  What the hell had happened?  I quickly searched for other moms relating the same story on the Internet, but couldn't really find anything other than a few women talking on a forum about low milk production after taking vacation.  Fortunately, they said that their bodies regulated and once again got used to the pumping schedule.  I pumped again in the afternoon and then squeezed in one more pumping session about an hour later, but was only able to take home a bit less than 5 ounces.  Yikes!

Good news though...I've seen an increase this week, with each day yielding a little bit more, but I only brought home 7 ounces today.  Thank goodness for freezer stashes.

My Dirty Belly Button

My body has changed in ways that I couldn't really have predicted a year ago.  Yes, one of them has to do with my belly button.  However, none of the changes are so horrid that I can't come to grips with my body post-baby.  Here they are, in no particular order:

1. I never did get the full-on outie belly button, but it was definitely stretched out.  It's got a bigger diameter and I think it's slightly deeper.  That's why I mentioned my dirty belly button.  I never really had issues with things in my belly button before because it wasn't big enough to collect anything.  Now, it seems as though I have to pay special attention to cleaning this "new" body part.
2. Hair, hair everywhere...  I think my hair loss has finally calmed down--just in enough time for Weston to rip the remaining locks out of my head with his hands.  Some report that their hair gets thicker, curlier, straighter, or thinner.  I think mine is pretty much the same--there's just less of it right now.
3. Baby's got back...and hips!  I am within 5 pounds of my pre-preggo weight (can I get an AMEN for breastfeeding?).  However, I don't think that my weight is distributed in the same way that it was before baby.  Most of my pants fit, but they just fit differently.  A round of applause for my son's 95th percentile head circumference that shifted ligaments in my pelvis and altered my anatomy.
4. I'm not one to wear make up, but I think I need to invest in something that will lighten up the ever-darkening circles under my sleep-deprived eyes.
5. The muffin top that feels like a bowl of Jello...  This is the one that bothers me the most.  It's shrunk a little bit, but it's still there, like an artifact left over from a previous civilization.
6. Boobs...I am simply amazed at what the female body is capable of.  I've been the sole provider of food for my little man for over five months now and he's just about doubled his weight.  That's a lot of breast milk that's been produced, but at a price to the "factories."  It's okay--I wouldn't change the bond that he and I have for anything.  In fact, the only time that I think everything's okay with the world is when I'm nursing.

Moving On...

I accepted a job in Covington, Kentucky yesterday afternoon as their ESL teacher in the middle and high school!  I'm a whole range of emotions--happy to be finally getting out of Wisconsin and on with the next phase of our lives.  Sad to know that I have to go back to work and leave my baby boy with a complete wacko--Nate.  Angry that I don't have the luxury of staying home full time with Weston.  Scared to start a completely new job with people that speak with a twang and refer to me as "ma'am."

But, with all the other adventures I've tackled in my life, I know I'll be able to get through it.  I have to say, though, that the challenge of being a mom is really overwhelming at times.  I think with all my other challenges (studying abroad in Spain, doing the bike trip last summer, traveling in India...to name a few) there was always a reasonable and manageable amount of time before it was over.  I've discovered with being a mom that there isn't an end in sight.  That's daunting.  On top of that, Weston is so unpredictable.  I never know how much he's going to sleep or if he's going to nurse really well.  Or what mood he'll be in when he wakes up.

I find myself doubting this motherhood gig quite frequently as of late.  I wonder why in the hell I got myself into this thing.  Why didn't I listen to other people say how hard this is and just have a child-free life?

Needless to say, I've been a little blue lately...  Perhaps it's just all the stuff that's going on besides having a baby.  My sister sent me this article to cheer me up a bit and to help me to keep remembering that I'm not the only mom who thinks that this is "too hard."  And when he's super cute like this, I cheer up instantly:

Grabbing the tootsies

So big!

By the way, I don't think this motherhood gig is not all it's cracked up to be everyday.  It's actually very infrequently that I think this.  I think it's been surfacing because in addition to all the craziness in my life as of late, Weston suddenly developed "baby ADD" these past few days while breastfeeding AND it seemed as though he forgot how to sleep more than 3 hours at night.  He would absolutely not nurse, or if he started to, he would pull off after a few seconds.  It was like all of a sudden he could see and hear every single thing that was going on around him.  This was incredibly frustrating (and painful!), and I didn't know what was wrong or what to do.  But, like any other breastfeeding problem we've come to, we've been able to push past it and figure out how to continue to make it work.

What I Didn't Know About Being a Mom

1. Sleep deprivation It's hard to predict what happens to someone after days, then weeks, and then months of getting no more than 5-6 hours of consecutive sleep at a time.  In the beginning, I was afraid I wasn't ever going to be able to sleep.  Thankfully, that's not the case.  I have to admit, though, that it's difficult for me to fall back asleep after Weston sets new records for night sleep.  For example, when he slept 7 hours the other night, I got 6, and after nursing him, I was wide awake because I hadn't gotten that much consolidated sleep in forever!
2. Cutest baby Okay, so everyone thinks that their baby is the cutest, but really, ours is the cutest.  I don't know how other people think that they have the cutest baby because we clearly own the market on that.  I even ask Nate all the time--Isn't he the cutest thing you've ever seen?  He completely agrees with me.  I wasn't prepared for how firmly I believe that we have the cutest baby...
3. Breastfeeding gets easier It has to get easier or else no one would continue it.  There were a few times when I told Nate that I was done breastfeeding.  Thank goodness I wasn't serious.  I had mastitis when Weston was two weeks old, and then I had an over-active let down reflex which Weston and I struggled with for several weeks until my supply regulated.  For something that's so "natural," breastfeeding takes buckets of patience and energy.  I would say that it got easier for me right around 8 weeks.
4. I smell I'm serious.  I had heard stories and read stuff about women being overly pungent after having a baby, but I was not prepared for my own smell.  It's so ridiculous that I have to put on deodorant immediately after showering regardless of how well I wash.  One has to hope that this happens so that the baby can bond with its mother, but after ten weeks of stink, I'm confident Weston knows my smell.  Enough already.
5. Conflicting information I read every pregnancy book that came my way while I was pregnant.  I spent hours on the Internet reading about even more stuff that was going on with my body and with the fetus.  The information didn't differ much from one another.  After the baby came, I continued to read a lot about what was going on with him.  In fact, I might have read too much.  The problem is that all babies are different, and there are dozens of ideas about how to raise them.  I've read so many things about eating schedules, sleeping, napping, baby poop, diaper reviews, breastfeeding, and much of it differs from one source to the next.  It's quite frustrating, and I actually got worked up about it a couple of times.  It's much easier to just let it all go and have fun with the baby instead.
6. Going crazy over a schedule This relates to #5.  Because of all the stuff I've read and stories I've heard from other moms, I kept thinking that Weston was supposed to be on some sort of sleeping and feeding schedule that was predictable.  Truth is, he's not that predictable.  Patterns have emerged, but I can't pin him down to anything specific.  I am more concerned about getting him down to sleep in a timely manner than I am about feeding him, mostly due to the fact that I've discovered that he can't handle being awake more than 90 minutes.  So, I adhere to that principle and try to get him to sleep before he gets super tired and crabby.  I've noticed that he generally can go about 3 hours between feedings.  And by about 8 or 9 pm, he's ready for bed.  Other than that, we don't have a strict schedule.
7. Baby blues go away...and can come back  Sigh.  I already wrote about my version of the baby blues, thinking that they were over.  It's been my experience that they do go away and that things get better.  However, there are some...relapses.  I'm pretty sure that they have much in common with the quantity of sleep I'm getting.  Last week at 10 weeks postpartum, I had a horrible day.  I woke up feeling sad and pretty much cried the rest of the day non-stop.  I wasn't expecting it, and it caught me off guard.  It was kind of scary in the sense that I thought that I was never going to be happy again.  Of course, it passed, and I'm okay once again.
8. Other's baby stories Reading other blogs and stories of motherhood has helped me tremendously.  It's fun to hear what their babies are doing, but it's also helpful to hear about when things aren't going well.

The cutest baby

We need to invest in a kiddie pool